I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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