i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
