I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
