Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
