I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My vagina is officially offended.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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