I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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