We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
