We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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