Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
