Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
