The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
