My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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