She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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