I think i peed on brittanys purse
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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