"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
so much tequila, so little girl.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
