Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
