I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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