Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
