I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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