I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
