you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
