An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
