well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
