Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
