I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
