I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
