I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
