Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
