Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
