I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
