I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
