Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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