can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
