Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
