The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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