I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Farmville is her only friend.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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