she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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