can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
