Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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