Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
