sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
