I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
