Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
