Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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