I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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