I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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