guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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