I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
