you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
