I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
