I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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