I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
