life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
